As many people who know me well know, I am about to have a diagnostic assessment for autism and ADHD. The idea of autism is not a new one to me although I spent a good many years saying to people that I am “almost autistic” or “have some autistic traits”. ADHD was a new one to me.
This really happened when I was taken by the police to
Accident and Emergency for my own protection when, after a Facebook post (which
I then deleted), a friend called the police. They were not happy to leave me on
my own and so they took me to hospital. In the morning, I was met by a member
of the mental health team who, during the course of our conversation, recommended
that I was assessed for autism and ADHD. I was a little surprised but thought
to myself that he must see this a lot and is qualified and able to recognise
the signs.
Since all this has been happening, I have been reading lots
and reading of other people’s experiences on various online platforms. These
days, they seem full of people who are telling stories of their experiences. And
yes, I see so much of myself in many of those stories and so I wouldn’t be
surprised to receive both diagnoses.
I also, by sheer chance, ended up at an LGBT night at a pub
near to where I live when out with a friend of mine and we saw that it was on
and I thought “Why not?” It turned out to be a wonderful night, being with a
group of people who were having an evening when they could be fully themselves
in a community of people like them.
And so I have been thinking about minorities. If you are
interested in statistics, then I have just found the following:
- · 3.3% of the UK population identified as gay in 2022 (Office for National Statistics)
- · 0.5% of the UK population didn’t identify with the gender they were assigned at birth (2021 census)
- · 1.32% of the UK population is said to be autistic (March 2024, NHS)
The proportions are very small, even if a brief search
online might lead one to think the figures were much higher.
I choose these three groups because they are all groups that
are minorities who have all become more vocal in recent years. That, or we have
simply become more aware of them.
What I have come to realise is that I have been aware of
other minorities, without necessarily thinking that I belonged to one. Or
perhaps I didn’t want to believe that I belonged to one? But I no longer have
that choice. If I am to grow to understand myself better and be the fullest
version of myself then I have to face what is quite likely this truth about me.
The conclusion that I have come to, from listening to other
people’s stories, is that it is IMPOSSIBLE to know what life is like for any
minority if you are not part of it. I will restate this using my own case: IT
IS IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW WHAT LIFE IS LIKE FOR A PERSON WITH AUTISM IF YOU ARE NOT
AUTISTIC! There are many people who may be “experts” in autism, or work with
autistic children in schools, or work to support autistic people in life but unless
they have autism, they cannot truly and fully know what the experience is like
any more than I can understand what it is like to be gay or transgender. The
best they can do in, say, an educational setting is to learn strategies to help
autistic people cope in an educational setting or perhaps develop the
experience and ability to understand how certain situations will play out and
how to stop things from escalating into “problems”. But I would argue that it
is still true to say that they can only see something like autism as a problem
or a condition to be managed, with strategies in place to help autistic people
to cope or even thrive in the normal world.
In the same way, no matter how sympathetic or empathetic I
may want to be with gay or transgender people, I will never be able fully to
enter into their experiences. The only way I have a chance to improve my
understanding is to listen to their stories, and to stop trying to see their
experiences through my own eyes. That will never work. I have to listen,
preferably without speaking. Otherwise, all any of us do is try to look at their
worlds through our own eyes, even though we don’t have the lenses of their
experiences.
And I suppose that, somewhat crucially, we have to stop
saying that our experiences—if not in any of the minorities I have mentioned—are
or should be normative. The struggles I have with the world are sometimes
exhausting, and the more I TRY to be normal, the more exhausted I will become.
This is what has happened this year. I am utterly exhausted and need to
completely reassess my life.
Assuming that I will be diagnosed and that I am not
imagining the things that I have struggled with, I will no longer allow anybody
to say to me that I have to live my life a certain way. I no longer have the
energy to do that. I will and MUST be the fullest and truest version of myself.
I suppose that what I have learnt recently, amongst many
other things, is that what is true of me is bound to be true of other minorities,
no matter what minorities they might be. When a person is not allowed to be
truly and fully what they are, that person is reduced and the result can only
be that those people become a shadow of themselves.
I suppose that this might be uncomfortable for those of us
who do not understand another person’s experience, but I suspect that if we
have ever felt that we have not been allowed to be who we truly are, or are
tired of pretending, then surely we should extend to others the freedom that we
would want for ourselves?