Unexpected retreat

As some people are now aware because of my posting on Facebook, I have come away from the parishes I serve to spend a few days with the Community of the Resurrection in Mirfield, West Yorkshire. I don’t normally post about my mental/emotional/spiritual state and find it a little annoying when people do.

In recent years, I have become aware of more than one colleague in ministry who has had to ‘come away’. There is much talk of ‘Clergy wellbeing’, as though mentioning it at regular intervals will convince the clergy that the Church cares about the wellbeing of her clergy.

I am not a person who shares a lot emotionally. I do often tell stories from my life in sermons and some of those can be quite personal and emotional but there is usually some space and time between the event and my telling. When I do this, it is a way of connecting my experiences with my listeners’ experiences and finally trying to connect both to the Scriptures and our faith.

Everybody knows that ordained ministry is very demanding. Many, many priests work very hard and many priests have experiences far more demanding and intense than mine. This statement, in itself, is actually part of the problem. If we’re not careful, it becomes a way of saying ‘This isn’t too bad: so-and-so has it far worse. I need to just “man up” and crack on with it.’ And that’s exactly what I do: crack on.

I like to think that I’m good at looking after myself. If I’m tired, I will rest. So I tell myself that I’m ok. Then I remember a day last week when I was tired so I was going to have a quiet afternoon reading but ended up doing two or three visits instead. And I told myself that this was good: that I was doing the Lord’s work. And people are generally very grateful for the care of a priest who makes the effort to visit them.

Some days can be low days. Sometimes a priest can feel down or tired. This is nothing new: it happens to all of us and is just part of the journey. But we often make ourselves carry on with the Lord’s work and laugh along with the ‘only one day a week’ joke. Sometimes faithful priests say the Office with a tear in the eye because some days are hard.

What happened to me this week was a bit of a shock. Monday was quite intense, but not much more intense than many other intense days I have had. In the evening I felt very tired and could even feel that I felt stressed. Again, nothing new. A good nights sleep would help and the morning would be fairly easy.

I got up on Tuesday morning, a little later than usual, to say my Morning Offices but what happened was rather different to even the worst days that normally happen. I sat holding my Office book but couldn’t open it. Tears streamed down my cheeks. For half an hour I sat like that, looking out of my window, suddenly feeling like the whole thing was falling apart.

And so, I phoned the Community of the Resurrection and asked, through tears, whether I might come to stay for a few days. They very kindly squeezed me in even though it is a very busy week. I cancelled appointments and everybody affected was very kind.

Normally, when I arrive to CR Mirfield, I walk in the grounds and go into the Church to take in the atmosphere. This time, I went to my room and cried and slept and cried and slept and didn’t leave my room until Evening Prayer. I managed to join in most of the Office but didn’t worry when I couldn’t. That morning, I couldn’t pray and so I knew that the prayers of those who could pray would hold and sustain my weak prayers. This morning I slept for two hours after breakfast and this afternoon, even as I write, I am struggling to stay awake.

I am emotionally ok today. I am just very, very tired. I don’t think that this is a major breakdown. It is just a little one where my body had to tell me that I was too tired, even if I didn’t think that I’d been working THAT hard. And so I am resting. I felt a little guilty about coming away but the more I reflect, the more I realise that this what I needed to do.

I’m pretty sure that I’ll be ok by the time I go back on Friday. But I will be watching. This came upon me very suddenly. Such things often do.

I don’t often share things like this because I like to appear strong. But the reaction from some friends to what I’ve shared so far has been amazing and very helpful. Right now, I’m a little weak so have to rest. Please keep me and all clergy in your prayers.

The Church does need to talk about ‘Clergy wellbeing’ but we clergy need to look after ourselves and spot the signs.
If you think your priest is looking tired or has been working too hard, pray for them, and perhaps even tell them that they need to rest.